Okay, I Admit.

I'm making a List of Things That I Will Admit to Doing in hopes that by writing it all out, it will shed light on my own personal character flaws, that I may see them a little better, and therefore become a better (and more thorough) person. You'll see why, eventually. Here goes.

List of Things That I Will Admit to Doing

by nicole whatevermylastnameis.

• Being a neat freak with things that are supposed to get dirty. Unless the Second Coming of the Lord has arrived where we actually cook at home more than once a day (i.e. using pots, large utensils, plates, silverware, and the GFG himself), I don't need to panic about the number of dishes in the sink. We have few of each item for specific reasons: so that we clean up after ourselves, and so that we can close the cabinet doors. If the dishes aren't clean immediately, they soon will be.
• This goes for the mirrors, the kitchen counter, the "extra bed" (don't ask), and the splash guard behind the stove. Yes, Nicole, those things too.
• The short story Sweat was not written about me; there is no reason that I should take on the role of an oppressed Delia Jones character. See, I bet Delia was secretly okay with having an endless pile of laundry for fear that her mister would hide a poisonous snake in the sheets. Me? There are no poisonous snakes in Hawaii, neither of us really has that many pair of underwear, and John can sprinkle magic fairy dust on his t shirts all on his own to get them clean (he likes it that way). Loads are light, right?
• You make the bed you sleep in. And really, I do e-v-e-r-y day. Maybe on one occasion I didn't pull the sheet and comforter straight and neatly arranged the pillows like I was taught to do by my parents. It's certainly not because I have "company" to impress. Maybe it's the squared corners that give me a sense of satisfaction (I LOVE SQUARES), or that I like pulling the blanket down and climbing into bed thinking "Mine, all mine!!"
• For doing so many things that have been thrilling, daring, taken me on a rollercoaster of memories, photographs, stories, and to keep pulling tricks from my sleeves, when it all comes down to it - I don't think I have much of an identity. I've boasted that "I don't have a favorite anything" but I'm learning that it's not always a good thing to not have favorites. I like tomatoes. I like the color of olives. I don't like olives. I don't like wearing much red. It took me forever to come to those conclusions, so long that I should be embarrassed of myself for not having a color preference until I turned 26 years old. You heard me. I was 26 when I decided "Wow, this color green is awesomeeee!!!" Pretty lame, huh?
• Creating situations. Nope, don't do that. But I will say that hours upon hours of being by myself can lead to poisonous growth of pre-existing situations. Remember that saying "You make mountains out of mole-hills"? Kinda sorta. Give me enough time to back up my hypothesis with evidence and other co related things and I can tell you what so and so has to do with the price of rice in China.
• I have no outlet. Where many people exercise, cross-stitch, paint, yoga, play darts, build muscle cars, whittle wooden people, etc.. I do nothing. For a while, I realized that I was really really good at standing in the same place for a long time. Once, I stood on a desk for 4 hours without really moving. Someone once said "if you're comfortable, then it probably doesn't look good on camera," so I ran with that philosophy and it turned out to be true. Even better, it seemed that having my lips pinned when being photographed looked like shit, but if I let my mouth hang open a little (which worked out great since I'm a mouth-breather) then the photo looked amazing. But um... standing still and looking like a human pretzel isn't really FUN, nor productive. Modeling doesn't get you anywhere, it doesn't cure itches or angers, you don't say "WOW! That was a super intense photoshoot! I burned 1500 calories!" Therefore, I need to find something to do with myself that I both enjoy and can turn to to occupy my time while being productive.

How do I find out what I like to do, if I don't know what I like to do? If there are no favorites (or few of them), how am I to find an outlet? I love reading, went to college and am about 4minutes away from graduating with an EnglishLit degree. Big effin' deal. I love writing, but can't seem to justify someone saying "You need to release a new book in 6 months" and being enthuiastic about having to write for someone because they told me to. Same with drawing. "Paint me a rhinocerous pirate with a peg leg...jumping rope!" seems silly, even though I did do that just a few weeks ago.

Photography sounds nice. Let's give that a whirl.